A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request.

The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him.

The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.

Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

Best friend's wife had one of those near death experiences tonight...

...she thought she could hoover while the fooball was on...!!!

Sue, a calm, respectable and understanding lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his
eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

Sue replied, "I need it to poison my husband Phil."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, That's against
the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

Sue reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of Phil in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Oh, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A young couple took their three-year-old son to doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem."

The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.

"Gee, mommy," the boy exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father."

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A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.

"This is it," replied his wife.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.

"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife. "Now hurry and get your costume on."

The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.

"I am a fire alarm," he replied.

"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.

"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come."

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A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies, "Your house."

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A woman has been married to her husband for ten years, and for all those ten years her husband insisted on making love in the dark. No matter how much she asked him, he would never turn the lights on.

One night she grew tired of this and turned on the light while they were making love and saw that he was using a dildo.

She said, "Honey, is this what you've been using all this time? How could you do this?! Explain yourself this instant!"

The husband said, "OK, I'll explain, but first you'd better explain our two kids."

============================

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife.

"Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said.

"Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see.

Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside.

"You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

mail/sms forwards

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots after reading the first truth, will try it.
3. And discover that the first truth is a lie.
4. You are smiling now 'cos you are an idiot.
5. You will soon forward this on to another idiot so you're not alone.
6. There is still a smile on your face.

Frankfurt, a while ago....

"German air traffic controllers at Frankfurt Airport are infamous for being ashort-tempered lot," an U.S. pilot notes. "So it was with some amusement that [aUnited 747] listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and thepilot of a British Airways 747 (BA 747, call sign Speedbird 206) "clear of the activerunway after landing at Frankfurt and headed to off load passengers at his designatedgate."

Ground: "Guten morgen, taxi to your gate." The BA 747 pulls onto the maintaxiway and stops.

Ground (brusquely): "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird: "Stand by ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (impatient): "Speedbird 206, have you never been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, several times in 1944, but I didnt stop."