Ostatnio pojawiła się możliwość płacenia komórką za przejazd pociągiem do Wołomina.Jeden przejazd-jedna komorka.
Kocha pan swoją żonę?
Oczywiście!A co ona gorsza od innych?

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Nawet jeśli było, to i tak dobre:

Przychodzi zajaczek do nowo otwartego sklepiku misia i pyta:
- Czy masz moze pol kilo soli?
Misiek:
- Tak, mam, ale nie mam jeszcze wagi, wiec nasypie ci na oko.
Zajaczek:
- Do d**y se nasyp, debilu!

***

Idą cztery zakonnice do nieba i stają przed świętym Piotrem.
Św. Piotr stawia przed nimi miskę z wodą świeconą i pyta pierwszej zakonnicy:
- Czy siostra dotykała kiedyś męskiego członka ?
- Tak, dotykałam go palcem .
- To niech siostra zanurzy tu ten palec a będzie rozgrzeszona i pójdzie do nieba.
Zanurza i odchodzi.
Św. Piotr pyta następnej:
- Czy siostra dotykała kiedyś męskiego członka ?
- Tak, miałam go w dłoni .
- To niech siostra zanurzy tu tę dłoń, a będzie rozgrzeszona i pójdzie do nieba.
Zanurza i po chwili odchodzi.
Juz ma iść trzecia ,ale w tym momencie wyrywa się czwarta:
- No nie ! Jak ona tam dupsko zanurzy ,to ja już tego nie wypiję !

***

Przychodzi zakonnica do lekarza:
- Panie doktorze, z pochwy sypią mi się znaczki pocztowe!
Lekarz kazal się zakonnicy rozebrać i po dokladniejszych oględzinach stwierdzil:
- To nie znaczki, tylko naklejki z bananów.

***

Małżonka czyta mężusiowi fragmencik z czytanej właśnie gazety:
"Każdy dobry seks ma swój początek w głowie..."
- Widzisz kochanie..! - mąż na to -.. a ty ciągle: "do buzi nie, do buzi nie.."

***

Norweskie biegaczki narciarskie w szatni po jednym z treningów. Nagle Bjoergen mówi:
- Wiecie, co? Trener chyba dosypuje nam sterydów do żarcia...
- Skąd wiesz?
- Zaczęły mi rosnąć włosy tam, gdzie ich wcześniej nigdy nie miałam.
- A gdzie na przykład?
- No, na przykład na jajach.

***

Wychodzi baca przed chałupę. Spogląda na stadko owieczek pasących w ogrodzeniu. Uśmiecha się.
- Jak sułtan, normalnie jak sułtan...

Ile zna Pan języków?
- trzy
-jakie?
-rosyjski,angielski i francuski
-Proszę powiedzieć coś po angielsku...
-Gutten tag.
-Ale to jest po niemiecku....
- a to cztery znam...

Czy kiedykolwiek mąż zastał Cie z obcymi mężczyznami?
-nigdy - zawsze tylko z kumplami lub znajomymi...


Chciałabym coś praktycznego do pokoju dziennego - mówi kobieta w sklepie z dywanami.
A ile ma PANI dzieci? sześcioro - To najpraktyczniejszy byłby asfalt...


Pacjent u stomatologa :
Panie doktorze bolą mnie zęby, które pan mi wstawił!
Na to lekarz:
- A nie mówiłem, że będą jak prawdziwe!

A man frantically calls the hotel desk from his room on the 11th floor.

"Please come quick I'm having an arguement with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the hotel window."

The hotel manager replies, "Sir I'm afraid that's a domestic matter and the hotel and it's staff are obligated to not interfere."

The husband responds, "Like hell it's a domestic matter! This damn window won't open, and that sir is a hotel maintenance problem."

---------------------------

An executive was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.

When the executive returned from the big event, he was furious.

"Why did you write me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

The employee was baffled.

"I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

---------------------------

An old man went to the doctor. He said, "Doctor, I was wondering if you could help me. My wife and I are not getting the same amount of pleasure from sex that we used to."

The doctor looked at the wrinkled old man in surprise, and said, "Can I ask you how old you are, sir?"

"I'm 87," said the old man.

"87!" exclaimed the doctor, "How old is your wife?"

"She's 92," was the reply.

The doctor was astonished by this, and said, "So let me make sure that I understand this right. You are 87, and your wife is 92 and you are worried that you don't get as much pleasure from sex as you used to?"

"That is correct." said the old man, "What can you do to help me?"

"Well," said the doctor, "when did you first notice this problem?"

The old man looked thoughtful, "I noticed it first last night, but then twice this morning."

-----------------------------
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and oured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous 'yes'.

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

'Now,'said the professor as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things---your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else---the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents.
Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18.There will always be time to clean the house and fix the
disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, 'I'm glad you asked.'

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of Beers with a friend.'

--------------------

A couple was lying in bed after making some rough love. She starts playing with the man's private parts. The man asks, "Do you like doing that?" The woman replies, "Oh Yes! Because I miss my own"

----------------------
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The
officer wants to ask her a few questions.... Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4! Officer: What's the square root of 100? Blonde: Ummmm... 10! Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno. Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it.
Come back tomorrow. The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case! "

..zebym jeszcze znal angielski, to bym sie posmial razem z Toba Maly Kfiatku..

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..to juz wogole nie wiem o co chodzi

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