z życia wzięte....dzisiaj
dwóch kolesi chwali się telefonami jeden to anglik drugi nie
obaj to kierowcy autobusów w niewielkim miasteczku na południu Anglii
podchodzi do nich kobita czyli "kierownica" autobusu - angielka taka ladna to ona nie byla ale za to zgrabna....tez nie i zaciekawiona pyta sie o rożne rzeczy, cenę, internet, jakość zdjęć?
prezentuje jej wszystkie możliwości mojego mojego cacka SIII
a na koniec pada pytanie
.....................
.....................
a możesz rozmawiać przez ten telefon po polsku czy tylko po angielsku?
......................
na poważne pytanie tylko poważna odpowiedz
TAK. Jest taka opcja

Sex After Death?
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Judy.......... Judy...."

"Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!? What's it like?"

"... Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"

"No, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

===============================================

In the Circumstances
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee.

One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I've been circumcised."

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?"

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

==================================================

What Men Mean
Haven't I seen you before? = Nice ass.
I'm a Romantic = I'm poor.
I need you = My hand is tired.
I am different from all the other guys = I am not circumcised.
I want a commitment = I'm sick of masturbation.
You're the only girl I've ever cared about = You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me.
I really want to get to know you better = So I can tell my friends about it.
It's just orange juice, try it = 3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.
He's kinda cute = I want to have sex with her till I am blue.
I don't know if I like her = She won't sleep with me.
I miss you so much = I am so horny that my male-roommate is starting to look good.
Was it good for you? = I'm insecure about my manhood.
How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small.
I had a wonderful time last night = Who the hell are you.
O, you love me? = I've done something stupid and you might find out.
Do you 'really' love me? = I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later.
How much do you love me? = I've done something really stupid and someone's on his/her way to tell you about it now.
I have something to tell you = Get tested.
I'll give you a call = I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.
I've been thinking a lot = You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.
I think we should just be friends = You're ugly.
I've learned a lot from you = Next

---------------------------------------------
A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet and not her eyes.
A wife is supposed to make her husband's **** hard and not his life.

---------------------------------
A Greek and an Italian were arguing over who is superior.
Greek: We gave sex to the world.
Italians: Yes you did, but we introduced it to women!

----------------------------------

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.

As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman, "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

-----------------------------

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said, "OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"

Fachowcy z Ukrainy przyjechali na gospodarstwo do Irlandii wymalować facetowi dom. Jako że byli z Ukrainy mieli w zwyczaju przed robotą chlapnąć ze dwie sety, ale niestety nie mieli za co.
Sprzedali więc farbę, kupili flaszkę, drugą, trzecią. i w końcu przepili wszystko.
Po jakimś czasie fachowcy widząc że zbliża się właściciel domu, szybko resztką farby wysmarowali koniowi mordę.
Właściciel się pyta:
- dlaczego nic nie jest pomalowane
-bo koń wypił całą farbę!
Właściciel bez zastanowienia wyciąga strzelbę i strzela koniowi w łeb
-Dlaczego od razu tak brutalnie? pytają fachowcy ze zdumieniem
- A na **uj mi taki koń. Ostatnio jak byli tu murarze z Polski to 10 worków cementu wp.....lił!

********************************************


Klient pyta się sprzedawcy:
- A ten odkurzacz to mocno ssie?
- Panie, aż łzy lecą - z powagą odrzekł sprzedawca.

; )

Matka przyprowadziła swoją osiemnastoletnią córkę do lekarza, informując go, że córka nieustannie cierpi na mdłości. Lekarz po zbadaniu córki stwierdził, że jest ona mniej więcej w czwartym miesiącu ciąży.
-Co też pan mówi, panie doktorze, moja córka nigdy nie miała do czynienia z żadnym mężczyzną! Prawda, córeczko?
-Prawda, nawet się nigdy nie całowałam- zapewniła córeczka.
Lekarz bez słowa podszedł do okna i zaczął się intensywnie wpatrywać w dal.
-Panie doktorze czy coś nie tak? -pyta po pięciu minutach zaniepokojona matka.
-Nie, nie! Po prostu w takich wypadkach zazwyczaj na wschodzie ukazuje się jasna gwiazda i przybywa trzech króli. I za nic k**wa nie chce tego przegapić!

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Dlaczego zwolniłem swoja sekretarkę..? (opowieść autentyczna inspirowana protokółem rozprawy z pewnej sprawy rozwodowej )
Dwa tygodnie temu były moje czterdzieste urodziny, ale jakby nikt tego nie zauważył
Miałem nadzieję, że rano przy śniadaniu żona złoży mi życzenia, może nawet będzie miała jakiś prezent ..
Nie powiedziała nawet "cześć kochanie", nie mówiąc już o życzeniach.
Myślałem, że chociaż dzieci beda pamiętały - ale zjadły sniadanie, nie odzywajac się ani słowem.
Kiedy jechałem do pracy, czułem się samotny i niedowartosciowany.
Jak tylko wszedłem do biura, sekretarka złożyła mi życzenia urodzinowe i od razu poczułem się dużo lepiej - ktos pamiętał.
Pracowałem do drugiej. Około drugiej sekretarka weszła i powiedziała:
-Dzisiaj jest taki piękny dzień, w dodatku sa pana urodziny, może zjemy gdzies razem obiad?
Zgodziłem się - to była najmilsza rzecz, jaka od rana usłyszałem.
Poszlismy do cudownej restauracji, zjedlismy obiad w przyjemnej atmosferze i wypilismy po lampce wina.
W drodzepowrotnej do biura sekretarka powiedziała:
- Dzisiaj jest taki piękny dzień. Czy musimy wracać do biura?
Własnie. Ona..
No to chodzmy do mnie - zaproponowała .
U niej wypilismy jeszcze po lampce koniaku, porozmawialismy chwilę, a ona zaproponowała:
- Czy nie masz nic przeciwko temu, jesli pójdę do sypialni przebrać się w cos wygodniejszego?
- Jasne - zgodziłem się bez wahania.
Poszła do sypialni, a po kilku minutach wyszła.....
...niosac tort urodzinowy razem z moja żona, dziećmi i tesciowa.
Wszyscy spiewali "Sto lat". a ja kurwa, siedziałem na kanapie...
... w samych skarpetkach

OMG!!!

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z kronik sadowych

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
_____________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere