Żona pokazuje mężowi magazyn mody z najnowszymi modelami zimowymi i mówi: -Chciałabym mieć takie futro...
Mąż: -To jedz Whiskas...

Dwóm przyjaciółkom po długich namowach, udało się wreszcie
przekonać mężów, żeby zostali w domu i same wychodzą na kolacje do
knajpy, żeby przypomnieć sobie "dawne czasy".
Po zabawnie spędzonym wieczorze, dwóch butelkach białego wina,
szampanie i buteleczce wódki opuszczają restaurację całkowicie
pijane!
W drodze powrotnej obie nachodzi "nagła potrzeba", może
dlatego, że dużo wypiły. Nie wiedząc gdzie iść się wysikać, bo było
juz bardzo późno, jedna wpada na pomysł i mówi do drugiej:
- Wejdźmy na ten cmentarz, tutaj na pewno nikogo nie będzie.
Wchodzą na cmentarz, najpierw jedna ściąga majtki, sika, wyciera
się tymi majtkami i oczywiście je wyrzuca... Widząc to, druga od
razu sobie przypomina, że ma na sobie drogą, markową bieliznę i
szkoda by ją było tak wyrzucić. Ściąga więc majtki, wkłada je do
kieszeni, sika i zrywa kokardę z pierwszego lepszego wieńca, żeby
się "podetrzeć". Na drugi dzień mąż pierwszej, dzwoni do
męża drugiej:
- Jurek, nawet sobie nie wyobrażasz co się stało! To koniec mojego
małżeństwa!
- Dlaczego?
- Moja żona wróciła o 5-tej rano kompletnie pijana i na dodatek bez
majtek. Od razu wywaliłem ją z domu.
Na to drugi:
- Marek, to jeszcze nic, wiesz co do wykombinowała moja? Nie tylko
przyszła pijana i bez majtek, ale miała włożoną w tyłek czerwona
kokardę z napisem:
"Nigdy Cię nie zapomnimy. Łukasz, Ignac, Staszek i pozostali
przyjaciele z siłowni".

Blondynka dzwoni do warsztatu samochodowego:
- Coś mi spod auta kapie, takie ciemne, gęste...
Mechanik:
- To olej.
Blondynka:
- OK. Olewam...

A woman was having sex with her lover in her apartment, Suddenly she heard her husband arrive. She told her lover, stay like statue and Don't move.

Husband, "Who is this?"

Wife: "This is a robot I bought to have sex with me when you are travelling."

Husband, "Ok let's have sex now."

Wife, "No sweetheart, yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you."

After she left the husband said, "Damn it, I'm so horny, I will fuck this robot!"

He tried fucking.

The lover started talking in a metallic robotic way, "SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE! SYSTEM ERROR! WRONG HOLE".

Husband, "Damn! robot is not working properly, I'm throwing it out of the window."

The lover realised that he was on the 20th floor so he said, "SOFTWARE UPDATED" PLEASE TRY AGAIN."

-------------

A man was brought before the judge and charged with NECROPHILIA (having sex with a dead person).

The judge told him, "In 20 years on the bench, I've never heard such a disgusting, immoral thing. Just give me one goodreason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the jail keys in the toilet?"

The man replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons: 1. It's none of your damn business;
2. She was my wife; and...
3. I didn't KNOW she was dead, she ALWAYS acted that way!"

The case was dismissed, and the judge announced the following warnings:
For the ladies:: PLEASE TRY TO MOVE A LITTLE DURING THE ACT.
For the guys: IF THERE IS NOT MUCH MOVEMENT, STOP IMMEDIATELY AND CHECK IF SHE IS ALIVE?

-----------

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day.

"Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love,` replied Little Johnny.

Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With whom?"

"With you!" he said.

"But Little Johnny," said the teacher gently, "don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," said Little Johnny reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

--------------
This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore."

The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you."

The next day, the guy shows up with his wife.

The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table."

She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down.

He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."

---------------

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients.

He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said, "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients. So it's not like you're the first."

This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said: "But then again, they probably weren't veterinarians."

A Pole went to the optician to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Pole replied, "he's my cousin."

W supermarkecie mąż z żoną przechodzą obok stoiska z bielizną. Żona do męża widząc "stringi":
- Kochanie, może kupiłbyś mi taką bieliznę?
- Ależ skąd! Dupę masz jak kombajn i nie będzie to ładnie wyglądać!
Wieczorem leżą razem w łóżku i mąż delikatnie sugeruje żonie, o co mu chodzi:
- Może się troszkę popieścimy? No wiesz...?
Żona:
- Dla takiego jednego, małego kłosika nie będę kombajnu uruchamiać!

A little girl is talking to her mother and says, "Mommy, I just found out our neighbour's son has a penis like a peanut"
The mother is in shock, but tries to keep her cool. The mother says, "You mean it's small?"
The little girl replies, "No, it's salty".


Q: What is the similarity between a lady and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet and tight in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Xz0VyJdq4I&feature=related

Blondynka wraca roztrzęsiona do domu i mówi do swojego chłopaka:
- W ogóle nie da się jeździć po tym mieście! Skręcam w lewo - drzewo, zawracam - drzewo, wszędzie drzewo. Naciskam hamulec, próbuję cofnąć, odwracam się - drzewo...
- Spokojnie kochanie, to tylko choinka zapachow

Ha ha ha nic tak nie poprawia humoru jak dobre dowcipy pozdrawiam